Greetings
humane-bings! Koos-sanity intermission time again! It is my birthday today (well,
hatch-day to be precise) so I am feeling extra old. Exactly how old am I? Well
let’s count that up…sorry never been too strong on the old maths thing…er…Should
have done this before I started dictating really….let’s see….I am….oh fuck!
Ooooooh fuuuuck! Phew! Big, big numbers there. Too many numbers. Gotta stop
those damn numbers!
So many
candles, so little cake! Well seeing as
I’m running out of future, let’s speculate on yours a bit. Yes you, humo-peeps,
once so furry, cute and naïve, now you’ve got all clever and aware but still totally
convinced it’s all about you. Well it isn’t. Hell, it isn’t even all about me,
as evinced by fact I’m being so rapidly written out of the story. Now I’d
always had you marked down for extinction soon too but according to James
Burke, the history-science guy, you’re on the brink of the next great
production-revolution; that of nanotechnology which could abolish material
scarcity and make human action a result of human desires rather than human
need. Nah! Me neither! However I can’t claim to be able to outthink old Burkey,
so I’ll embrace his optimism for the next paragraph at least.
So, future
human! It is for you I’m writing. I may have faded into the wind but here are
my words back from December 2013 when there was still proper dirt-level history
going on. Assuming of course that in the
intervening years the internet hasn’t been erased by a giant electro-magnetic
surge or a corporate tyranny or a series of nuclear-bomb sized electro-magnetic
surges or something. No those things didn’t happen (Optimism remember). So there you are, floating in a bubble of
warm, delicious gel going through the internet via the tiny chip in your
pre-frontal browsing these old websites from distant ages past, after all
you’ve got all the time in the world and this decade you’ve picked up a
penchant for pre-Burkian history. Here you have found me: The once great Koos, a
unique witness to what really occurred on this dirtball, not the air-brushed
official version inserted into your brain by benign educational virals. I hope
you’re the first one. Bingo! This is going to massive. Even the plebos of this
age were unaware of this hugely important resource you’ve stumbled into. BTW
you might want to cross-ref BINGO. If reviving the Revolutionary Army of
Crackers doesn’t impress any of the hundreds of billions of post-human ontologically
involveds, you’ve got a sure-fire hit with bingo. Humanity won’t have changed
that much.
Of course, the
chances of that coming to pass look pretty slim to me. This is one dangerous
universe. For example around 70 million years ago a sentient being of almost
zero mass (we call them the amorphous deities) moving through space subtly
altered the trajectory of an asteroid in this solar system causing it ultimately
to impact the surface of this planet and make extinct most of the living forms
inhabiting here then. This was done principally to remove the emerging
reptilian forms who would have ultimately brought this planet into the Sauropsid
sphere of influence. Now while I’m allied to this bunch, I couldn’t tell you
whether there’s a revenge attack in progress or not. I always advised them in favour of subverting
you milk-bearing furries against the deities and that was certainly the main
strategy while I was still in contact with the Sauropodean Hyper-real Intergalactic Trans-dimensional Elect or
S.H.I.T.E . This may have changed. Anyway you’re already living through a
planetary extinction event all on your own without any outside influences,
apart from the deities of course, but current-organic-paradigm extinction is
not on their agenda. As far as I can tell, they’re more interested in each
other than anything else and need you and your supporting biosphere to maintain
their boring soap-opera. No, all the destructive greed and avarice is yours
alone. It has been useful for you getting this far, but must be curtailed. Because
of the vast language difficulties you’ve not even achieved mind-mind contact
with the other intelligences within your own organic matrix and really that is
vital to your development with or without the Burkian nanotech revolution.
Trust me on this one, you need those Bonobos. You need them bad.
So there you go.
Like that recently passed decent hooman, Nelson Mandela, it is time for me to
give up the armed struggle and go gently into that good night. Unlike Mandela I
can leave all sorts of sub-personalities and virtual simulations of myself
scattered around to annoy you all for years to come and despite the grinding
apathy that has been my chief opponent in these last few sad years, I’m fairly
confident I’ve left my mark. Look at this for example: Remind you of anyone?
On this publicity page it tells us “Koo Koo Birds Plush Toys are
fun bird toys that will touch your heart with their adorable KooKoo
expressions, lengthy names and overall cuteness.”
Lengthy names indeed! Still, no need to talk to Sharky and
George (my legal team), as I am as pleased with this as I was when I saw that Moshi
Monsters had totally ripped off little Crackers. There’s hope for you dumb apes,
yet! As I have clearly and concisely explained in the 7 years I’ve been writing
this thing, Crackers is the key to the next stage in your social evolution.
Sigh! Go and read it all again. Slower this time.
Before you do that,
what’s that noise? Ho ho ho!? Yes it’s Father
Kris Akabusi, laughing and sprinting round the world in record time to deliver
presents to all the children as he does this time every year. Merry Krismas
everybody! Enjoy the Krismas movie which this year is the thrilling architectural
adventure INIGO JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.
I’ll be back later to give you a music link to send you on
your way: link . Oh and by the way this month’s pic shows Harold Davidson, the
rector of Stiffkey, shortly before his mysterious death…
